my gender journey

part of the reason for this blog was to document my physical gender journey. here it is. (pictures to come)
  • ​that fateful day in the late 80's - i was born!!! i was assigned female and was more-or-less raised as such
  • throughout the early 90's - i hated dresses and loved overalls, especially if they were 'carpenter' or 'painter' style; looking back i very much thought i was one of the boys. (chapter 10, BOYS DO CRY, of "Full Frontal Feminism" made me cry in college because i resonated so damn much with it)
  • 2000 - the big change started!!! my mammary glands grew, red nastiness spewed from me once a month, i was too rough and too skilled when i switched to girl's softball (i grew up playing little league and the next level for boys wouldn't let me play!!) so i had to play up a level
  • august 2000 - i started wearing baggy clothes to hide my changing body/to look like one of the guys
  • september 2000 - i had my first sexual feelings...for a girl...i did my best to ignore them
  • september 2002 - i was afraid people would assume i was a lesbian (oh, the horror) because of the way i dressed so i started trying to dress more 'girly' (read tight cargo pants and fitted sports shirts, not unlike Kim Possible)
  • may 2005 - i tried to kill myself. at the time i was just 'sad' but looking back it was 2 parts family shit, 1 part sexuality shit, and 1 part gender shit (that i wasn't even aware of!)
  • september 2006 - i joined my college crew (that's competitive rowing for non-crew folk) and LOVED what the workouts did to my body. i always had muscle but now i was headed into muscular
  • august 2007 - i came out to myself and my close friends as a lesbian...and stopped trying to look girly...
  • early 2008 - i caught mono (probably 'cause i started kissing people FINALLY) and lost a ton of weight. i bought a pair of men's jeans, cut my hair short, and bound my chest for the first time...i also came out as a lesbian to my family and everyone else who asked why i didn't catch mono until college
  • spring 2008 - i took my first gender and sexuality course and my mind was blown to so many pieces and put back together in a whole new way...i couldn't understand why i still wasn't settled in my identity (i had come out hadn't i?!)
  • spring 2009 - i studied abroad in south africa for a semester...i noticed the ways gender was played out and got a better understanding of how my gender and sexuality might be related
  • spring 2010 - i finally realized that my assigned gender did not match my actual gender...that i changed the way i dressed in high school to throw people (and myself?) off of my true gender not my true sexual orientation
  • summer 2010 - my world/life/interests/passions revolved around figuring out my true gender...commence gender fluid experimentation!
  • september 2010 - i cut my hair short...like boy short (i cut it girl short when i had mono) and started buying 'men's' pants ONLY
  • fall 2010 - i wore slacks and a tie to my cousin's wedding (thoroughly annoying my parents) and felt like the closest i've ever felt to ME
  • spring 2011 - i started to freak out a little and let my hair grow back out but continued to wear 'men's' clothes
  • spring 2012 - i recognized that i didn't want to 'fully' transition but that my body was not right either. if it was possible, i'd transition to be an intersex person...but what did that make my gender?
  • winter 2013 - after a huge bout of depression and self-exploration, i realized i'm agender. my identity finally felt 'settled'
  • december 2013 - i set a date to cut my hair the way i really wanted it for january. i came out about my gender to my closest friends and my therapist
  • january 2014 - i got my hair cut and was on CLOUD FUCKING 9! i looked in the mirror and saw ME for the first time
  • spring 2014 - i came out about my gender to my parents...
  • summer 2014 - i had been slowly gaining weight (especially as i got stressed about figuring out my gender) and was no longer happy with my body. my face and hair (and shadow to a degree) were ME ME ME ME ME ME but everything below my neck was someone else. my chest was WAY too big, my hips were clearly meant for birthing, and i wanted to cry every time i had to wear a bathing suit because that was when i had the most dissonance
  • fall/winter 2014 - i realized that i really did need help altering my body to fit my gender so i made my first appointment at the local clinic to start the process of surgery. at this point i wasn't sure if taking testosterone was right for me so i chose to hold off on that. but i did set a date to have an IUD (or as i like to call it 'my WMD') implanted to stop my monthly blood bath. i set a mental date for top surgery for summer 2015
  • december 2014 - i started this blog!!! and started making 'paper work' preparations for surgery, including telling my parents that i will be having it
  • march 2015 - met with surgeon and set a date for top surgery
  • summer 2015 - freaked out about what life after surgery would be like
  • august 2015 - mammary gland removal completed; fell in love with the space between my armpits
  • fall 2015 - gained a bunch of weight...in my hips and ass
  • december 2015 - made it through my first TSA screening post-surgery without ANY hitches...lotsa fear and sweat tho
  • january 2016 - swam in the ocean without mammary glands
  • february 2016 - surgeon said my nipples 'look born on'